How I feel...

I hate how I feel right now. I am just not into anything anymore. I dread the days when their is younglife, and frontlline and campaigners. I used to get so excited. I want to be excited about it. I try to get excited about it before hand and then I get there and I think "why am I here? I am out of high school, I shouldn't be here this is for younger kids." I don't feel needed for younglife. I am still sitting in the back on the computer all by myself. I have expressed before the want to get into things more and people tell me okay lets do this we will get you up there. But then nothing happens. I guess it is mostly my fault for not volunteering enough I guess. I don't know. I also don't like how I feel about God right now. I know I don't put him first, I want to but I don't want to. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe its because I stopped going to things. Doing things that put him in the center of everything. But I stopped because I don't enjoy them anymore. I feel like I am typing in a circle of I don't knows. This sucks. I wish I could express how I feel without thinking I am blaming anybody but myself but I don't want it to be my fault. I want it to be everybody elses. This blog probably makes no sense to any normal person and I am sorry for that.