WOW!!

Its been awhile since I blogged. Quite a bit has happened...I think. In the beginning of September I got to go to Pennsylvania with my boyfriend to meet his dad. But his dad had surgery and was in the hospital most of the time so I didn't really get to know him very much but he seems like a nice guy. It was my first plane ride ever and it was really cool. I love looking down on the clouds and the ground. I had also never been to the east coast so that was fun I got to go to deleware and new jersey also. Oh I also met his grandparents who also seem very sweet. His grandfather grows tomatoes and I hadn't seen a tomato as big as his was they were huge. It is quite a bit different over there but not as different as I thought it might be. They do have some really good places to eat though. I like there philly cheesesteaks. There are also a lot more places to eat.
I started classes on the 29th of this month. Well I am taking a math class and thats it. It is way too easy for me right now but we just had a test on the first chapter so it will probably get harder. Which means I need to enjoy it while it is easy. I will probably take 3 classes for the winter term. A Math, Writing, and then something that might be a little more fun.
Today I finally am getting my brakes done they have been making this horrible grinding noise I think I waited a little too long to get them done though. I have to buy a rodder and two calipers (i have know idea if thats how you spell those words or if they are even right) So it is expensive. Too expensive. I also need a new tire and my car doesn't like to start right away I have to try about 5 times then it will start. Sometimes I am lucky though and it starts right away. But it is rare.
There is an update for all of you who read this.

Camp..and other random thoughts

I ended up going to camp as a leader and I really surprised myself...a lot. But I also felt like I was acting like a camper which is exactly what I was trying not to do. But I think I did good for it being my first time. I want to continue working with kids. I don't want my "moving forward" to stop here. I looked at classes and what time placement tests are today. I am thinking about taking online classes in the fall. But I am not going to say I am going to so that way I don't feel like I am lying to anyone when they ask. Anyway back to camp. I feel like I have grown a lot spiritually with God. But it feels like every time I grow I digress also like 3 steps forward 2 steps back and I don't want that to happen.

Those are my thoughts for today.

I don't have a random title today

Steve and Therese are officially completely moved out as of about 15 minutes ago. They only had 4 out of there 11 cats left which is quite sad. Anyway there positives and negetives with there moving out and I am not going to discuss them because there is no need to. Hmm. I thought I had more to say but I guess not.

Update

Nothing much has changed for me. I still at times feel like I am spinning in circles but that is ok because my youth pastor was talking to me about wildlife which is similar to young life only it is for middle schoolers. And then young life people asked me if I would mind being a girl leader for camp this summer. Which I would love to do I just dont know how well I would do considering I am not much older than the kids that are going and I am not good at being "the boss" I am also not sure if I would be able to get there because the day that they are leaving is the day I am supposed to be at a wedding in a different state. It will work out the way it is supposed to I guess.
This week has been really nice we have gone at least five days without rain which is really nice. I also got to baby sit which was really fun. And I went swimming in the freezing river on a hot day which I have been wanting to do for a long time. I would preferred a pool but the river was better than nothing.

Am I Giving Up??

I feel like I have to do something. I can't live another year in my dads house. I need to get my life going. I just don't know what I am supposed to do. People keep telling me go to college. But that doesn't seem like that is what I am supposed to do. Not yet. GOD HELP ME!!!! I am so lost. And tired of listening to people asking me what I am going to do. And then giving my suggestions when I say I don't know. I know that they are just trying to help because they don't want me to not do anything with my life. I don't want to be some one working in the fast food industry for the rest of my life. I want to work with kids. I want to be that person who has it altogether. Not the one who doesn't. I just want to be HAPPY. I am tired of feeling the way I do, lost, angry, sad, confused, scared, and tired. I feel like I am going the wrong way. Whats the right way for me?? What does God want me to do? Why can't I hear him? Or see him? Am I trying to push him away? I don't want to? I want help and need his. Not yours. Why can't I relax and let him take me where he wants/needs me.

*sigh*

As much as I want to go I don't think I am going to be going to college now or ever. Which is depressing for me. I just want to pack what i need and move somewhere else. What am i supposed to do with my life. I really want to go to college but I can't see it happening. I am tired of feeling stuck. People are worried that I am not going to college and keep asking me where i am going to go and when and all those questions and I don't have any answers. And they are suprised that all I am doing is working at subway. I am so pathetic.

My Morning Jacket

Yippee!!
Yesterday I finally bought a car. It is a 1995 Pontiac Grand Prix. I love it I can go anywhere I want whenever I want except I found myself running into a problem today. I don't have anywhere to go ):
I also have a rough draft of my personal statement done for my application. Just have to get the guts to let people read it and edit if they want and basically criticize it. Which I don't like to do. Expecially when I am there when they do it. I just hope that everything works out for me and I get to go to college this next fall.
I got my license
..Got my car
..and next step is to get the rest of the college stuff done. NOW!!!

I AM RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS...

I really have nothing new to talk about. I totally didn't get my personal statement done on Saturday. I didn't even really get up until one, which is amazing because I very rarely sleep in that late. I actually got up at 10 and ate breakfast and then went to my room and started to read and fell asleep again. Ok I am done explaining my sleeping pattern.
I feel like I actually got something done this week. Something I kept putting off. And tomorrow afternoon I will hopefully have a couple more things done.
My goal is to either move out of my dads house and get my own place to stay or go to college. I prefer the second. I am tired of sitting around telling myself and others that I am going to do something and then don't do it.

Question:
For my personal statement it is asking about my spiritual journey should I just start off with how I grew up and then how God entered my life?

Woo Hoo!!!

YEAH!!! I did it I finished the FAFSA. I first filled out one that was going to cost me $80 but I knew that there had to be one with no cost so I searched for about a half hour and found the one I used last year and it took me less time to fill it out last year. Because they did this pre fill out thing which was really handy.

FAFSA...This is the worst thing in the world

Today I started filling out my FAFSA. And I realize how much I hated it last year. I also just realized it is due tomorrow. WHY do I always wait until the last minute. I don't think my dad realizes how much the give out money. I really doubt I will get any and have a feeling that if I ever do go to college I will be borrowing money for it all.
Next thing I need to do is give some papers to my youth pastor and go talk to a teacher at the highschool and then my "personal statement" I guess it is called. The school I am applying to wants to know about my spiritual journey and my philosophy on life. That is going to be hard but oh well I have to do it and I have to do it really soon. This weekend would be a perfect time. I have at least one day that I am not doing anything that gives me a lot of time I just have to sit down and do it. Which I think is going to be the hardest part for me. Never mind it is all going to be hard for me.

Command and Conquer...

I really want to help people, well a few people in particular, but I don't know how. People tell me about their life and it always seems so horrible or at least it was. But the people I want to help, their lifes are still horrible. But it is hard to help when they don't want the help or don't know that they need help or they aren't here to help.

I am scared..

More like terrified. Terrified that I am never going to leave this place. Don't get me wrong I really do like living in Waldport. I am just scared that I am not going to go to college because it would be to uncomfortable It is out of my comfort zone I guess. I keep making excuses and I am getting mad at myself. People try to help me but I just try and push them away. I need to right an essay for a college I want to apply to and I need some help on it and am going to need somebody, probably a few people to read over it and there are a few that would be willing to but I am scared to let them. I am not a good writer and I hate that that is true but it is.

Thoughts, Questions, Feelings..

Have you ever had that ache in your that doesn't seem to ever go away. Maybe it isn't always a strong feeling but it is always there. Maybe you have no idea what I am talking about maybe you do. Well thats the feeling I feel right now.

What is love? Just a question on my mind.

I will be leaving this next year I am not waiting for my sister. It bugs me when people say that.


WHY? Why does my heart ache so much? It won't go away. As much as I want it to it won't.

I hope the church doesn't fall apart because we don't have a Pastor. It seems like that is all it can do now. I don't know a whole lot that goes on but to me a Pastor holds things together in a church. How is going to affect us all?

Lets dance..

It seems like I haven't posted anything for awhile so I have decided to post something.
Umm. My life has been pretty boring lately. I did get a couple phone calls from people I haven't seen in a long time. I also got to visit with one of them. I think that is the most exciting thing.
The pastor at my church left. He moved to California to be a pastor down there. So right now we are pastorless. It is sad. It is also weird. He has been there for 12 years. He has been there since the first time I went to that church.

-DING-

I passed my drivers test yesterday but couldn't get my license until today because I didn't have a proof of address because my permit had a sticker with the Po box on it so I had to wait until today. But now I have it. 

Why does it bother me so much that he is leaving?

CEPHAS..Grand Rapids Hardcore

How can one event in your life bring out so many different emotions at once.

Lately I have been finding myself not wanting to do anything that I normally do. I am still doing them but I don't want to. I am scared that if I stop going to the youth groups I am going to I will turn away from god. Because they are how I stay away from the negative things that go on in/at my house.

Yesterday was so much fun I went sledding in the snow with my dads old hood and a backseat from a car. My sister called it redneck sledding.

I am taking my driving test today and I am scared that I am not going to pass. Which is not unusual but I don't want to fail.

I wish that people didn't hurt so much.

Working Wonders

Earlier today on the bus I started praying for these three people I believe that two of them had down syndrome but am unsure if that is what it is anyway and the third one is the mother or caretaker of the other two. Anyway. It seemed wierd to me because I don't normally pray for people that I don't know. I really don't even know what their situation is. But I prayed anyway. I see them all the time and the caretaker looks more tired each time. She seems at the end of her..hmm...Patience I guess is the word. Basically she seems tired of everything.

I wish I had something I could just loose myself in. A hobby or something. I have a book I could read and I want to read it but I wish I had something I loved to do something that I could do besides reading and writing. I am not good at writing and I don't always have time or the want to read.
I hate being angry all the time. I am starting to take it out on other people. Well I guess I probably do it all the time. I wish I understood why I am so angry sometimes I think I know but when I think about it it really doesn't make any sense. It is taking up so much space in my heart that it is hard for me to love others the way they love me. Unconditionally.

Somewher Over the Rainbow...

I wrote a letter to my mom and the rest of my family over in Idaho. I am going to send it today or tomorrow. I am kind of scared that I said too much but then again I feel like I didn't say enough. It was less then a page long.
I don't feel like I should be the one to keep in contact but my gut feeling says that the only way I won't loose contact with them is if I continue to write and call them. I feel like they should. Mostly my mother of course I am her oldest biological daughter why wouldn't she want to keep contact. Its not only that I am her holdest it is the fact taht I am her daughter. I am so scared of losing contact with them. I don't want that to happen but I don't want to be the one who has to try and keep in contact she should have to try and keep me wanting to talk to her.

Comets and shooting stars

This whole thing with my mother seems like a huge thing to me. It seems to always be on my mind. But when I mention it to other people about it they just brush it off. Am I making it bigger then it really is?
I want to talk to somebody about it but I don't know what to say. There really isn't much to say. But it seems like there should be. I don't even know how I feel about it. Actually I know how I feel about it but I don't know how to describe how I feel about it except for unreal but that doesn't seem to cover it all. That is just half of it.
I want to talk to my sister about it but it doesn't really seem like she wants to talk about it. Does she not want to deal with it? I want to. I used to play out in my head what I would say to her if she ever called and it would always be me yelling at her for leaving me and my brother and sister behind. Asking why? But when I was on the phone with her I was speechless and scared to say what was on my mind. She kept telling me how much she loved me and how beautiful we were. (she saw pictures on mine and my sisters myspace's) How good it was to hear our voices and all the things that you would think would be what I would want to hear. But it wasn't. I want her to say sorry. Sorry for abandoning us and sorry she wasn't there when I needed her the most. Sorry for waiting so long. It actually wasn't her that got found us online it was my brother and my sister-in-law. Traci told me that when she showed my mother pictures of us that she didn't believe it at first and then she justed started bawling. I have know reason not to believe Traci but if she loved me that much how come she didn't look for me herself.

An interesting phone call...

Two nights ago I went to campaigners and Josh came up to me and told me that my brother Nathaniel had contacted him thinking that he was my brother. Which I thought was wierd because I haven't spoken to him in 13 years. Later that same night I checked my messages and also got one from him and gave him my number. But when I gave my number I really didn't think that anybody would call.

I was wrong.

At about ten that night everybody was sitting down watching TV and we didn't hear the phone ring and the answering machine says something along the lines of Hello Ana this is your mom. Please call me back at this number. And there was a moment of confusion and the phone rang again and it turned out to be her and she wanted to talk to me. This is an interesting phone call because I haven't seen my mother in 11 years. I was in shock for a day and a half. I really don't think I have my mind wrapped around it yet but how can I. I haven't seen or talked to this woman in over a decade. I feel like I have been dreaming since it happened.

Peace on Earth...Updated Daily

I feel like I am getting more bad news then good news lately. Pastor Jim is leaving the presbyterian church and going down to California and we don't have anyone to take his spot, Lila (spelling might be wrong) a really really nice lady from my church who is always happy and grateful for everything had a stroke on Thursday and as of yesterday she was still in intensive care and nothing had changed, Friday a friend of mine got in an accident he is fine but it still isn't good. Some one I know is pregnant and shouldn't be. (my opinon)
Ok I am done dwelling on the bad.

Naruto Children Need Help!!!!

I have finally figured out what my new years resoulutions are. I know that you are only supposed to have one but I have two.
My resolutions this year are to...
1) forgive all of the people I haven't forgiven.
and to
2) learn to trust myself and then other people.

My new years eve was really fun. It was also my sisters birthday so we got to have a bonfire bbq ribs and birthday cake. My sister Katie, my brother Josh and Terese's son Chris were also visiting and then Shayla had a friend over. So there were ten of us until about 2 in the morning which is when it went down to nine people. It was really nice to have a full house. I loved that everybody was there my family hasn't done something like that for atleast 2 or 3 years. Yesterday was really sad because everybody seemed to leave. Real life took over. Hopefully we will do that again before another 2 or 3 years go by again.