-DING-

I passed my drivers test yesterday but couldn't get my license until today because I didn't have a proof of address because my permit had a sticker with the Po box on it so I had to wait until today. But now I have it. 

Why does it bother me so much that he is leaving?

CEPHAS..Grand Rapids Hardcore

How can one event in your life bring out so many different emotions at once.

Lately I have been finding myself not wanting to do anything that I normally do. I am still doing them but I don't want to. I am scared that if I stop going to the youth groups I am going to I will turn away from god. Because they are how I stay away from the negative things that go on in/at my house.

Yesterday was so much fun I went sledding in the snow with my dads old hood and a backseat from a car. My sister called it redneck sledding.

I am taking my driving test today and I am scared that I am not going to pass. Which is not unusual but I don't want to fail.

I wish that people didn't hurt so much.

Working Wonders

Earlier today on the bus I started praying for these three people I believe that two of them had down syndrome but am unsure if that is what it is anyway and the third one is the mother or caretaker of the other two. Anyway. It seemed wierd to me because I don't normally pray for people that I don't know. I really don't even know what their situation is. But I prayed anyway. I see them all the time and the caretaker looks more tired each time. She seems at the end of her..hmm...Patience I guess is the word. Basically she seems tired of everything.

I wish I had something I could just loose myself in. A hobby or something. I have a book I could read and I want to read it but I wish I had something I loved to do something that I could do besides reading and writing. I am not good at writing and I don't always have time or the want to read.
I hate being angry all the time. I am starting to take it out on other people. Well I guess I probably do it all the time. I wish I understood why I am so angry sometimes I think I know but when I think about it it really doesn't make any sense. It is taking up so much space in my heart that it is hard for me to love others the way they love me. Unconditionally.

Somewher Over the Rainbow...

I wrote a letter to my mom and the rest of my family over in Idaho. I am going to send it today or tomorrow. I am kind of scared that I said too much but then again I feel like I didn't say enough. It was less then a page long.
I don't feel like I should be the one to keep in contact but my gut feeling says that the only way I won't loose contact with them is if I continue to write and call them. I feel like they should. Mostly my mother of course I am her oldest biological daughter why wouldn't she want to keep contact. Its not only that I am her holdest it is the fact taht I am her daughter. I am so scared of losing contact with them. I don't want that to happen but I don't want to be the one who has to try and keep in contact she should have to try and keep me wanting to talk to her.

Comets and shooting stars

This whole thing with my mother seems like a huge thing to me. It seems to always be on my mind. But when I mention it to other people about it they just brush it off. Am I making it bigger then it really is?
I want to talk to somebody about it but I don't know what to say. There really isn't much to say. But it seems like there should be. I don't even know how I feel about it. Actually I know how I feel about it but I don't know how to describe how I feel about it except for unreal but that doesn't seem to cover it all. That is just half of it.
I want to talk to my sister about it but it doesn't really seem like she wants to talk about it. Does she not want to deal with it? I want to. I used to play out in my head what I would say to her if she ever called and it would always be me yelling at her for leaving me and my brother and sister behind. Asking why? But when I was on the phone with her I was speechless and scared to say what was on my mind. She kept telling me how much she loved me and how beautiful we were. (she saw pictures on mine and my sisters myspace's) How good it was to hear our voices and all the things that you would think would be what I would want to hear. But it wasn't. I want her to say sorry. Sorry for abandoning us and sorry she wasn't there when I needed her the most. Sorry for waiting so long. It actually wasn't her that got found us online it was my brother and my sister-in-law. Traci told me that when she showed my mother pictures of us that she didn't believe it at first and then she justed started bawling. I have know reason not to believe Traci but if she loved me that much how come she didn't look for me herself.

An interesting phone call...

Two nights ago I went to campaigners and Josh came up to me and told me that my brother Nathaniel had contacted him thinking that he was my brother. Which I thought was wierd because I haven't spoken to him in 13 years. Later that same night I checked my messages and also got one from him and gave him my number. But when I gave my number I really didn't think that anybody would call.

I was wrong.

At about ten that night everybody was sitting down watching TV and we didn't hear the phone ring and the answering machine says something along the lines of Hello Ana this is your mom. Please call me back at this number. And there was a moment of confusion and the phone rang again and it turned out to be her and she wanted to talk to me. This is an interesting phone call because I haven't seen my mother in 11 years. I was in shock for a day and a half. I really don't think I have my mind wrapped around it yet but how can I. I haven't seen or talked to this woman in over a decade. I feel like I have been dreaming since it happened.

Peace on Earth...Updated Daily

I feel like I am getting more bad news then good news lately. Pastor Jim is leaving the presbyterian church and going down to California and we don't have anyone to take his spot, Lila (spelling might be wrong) a really really nice lady from my church who is always happy and grateful for everything had a stroke on Thursday and as of yesterday she was still in intensive care and nothing had changed, Friday a friend of mine got in an accident he is fine but it still isn't good. Some one I know is pregnant and shouldn't be. (my opinon)
Ok I am done dwelling on the bad.

Naruto Children Need Help!!!!

I have finally figured out what my new years resoulutions are. I know that you are only supposed to have one but I have two.
My resolutions this year are to...
1) forgive all of the people I haven't forgiven.
and to
2) learn to trust myself and then other people.

My new years eve was really fun. It was also my sisters birthday so we got to have a bonfire bbq ribs and birthday cake. My sister Katie, my brother Josh and Terese's son Chris were also visiting and then Shayla had a friend over. So there were ten of us until about 2 in the morning which is when it went down to nine people. It was really nice to have a full house. I loved that everybody was there my family hasn't done something like that for atleast 2 or 3 years. Yesterday was really sad because everybody seemed to leave. Real life took over. Hopefully we will do that again before another 2 or 3 years go by again.